Friday, July 07, 2006

Things to see in West Bend

There are some things you might notice if you lived in West Bend, Wisconsin.

One thing you might have seen is a woman, weighing in at a round - and I do mean round - 280 pounds, rolling through the aisles of Goodwill on a little chair scooter. If you are blessed with keen powers of observation, you likely noted that she stuck out the width of a large child off each side of her red scooter.

You would have heard her squawk, "It sure is getting harder to mover around in hyere. You should make the aisles bigger."

On your way out of said store of great values, you would have likely seen a lady get out of a spnking new mini-van, clutching an item for return and her sales receipt. You would imagine the conflict in her head over whether she ought to have spent that $5 or not.

Clearly, frugality won out and she was returning her cheap-ass item - thus ripping the money out of the hands of the poor and handicapped people that the charity store is helping out.

I personally imagined that she was returning the item three days too late, and though the return policy is clearly posted, she was set to cause a big stink - the fat scooter lady harping in the background adding some festive color to the tableau.

Also, if you lived here, you might fhave found yourself chuckling when you heard the neighbor revving up his Harley - annoying at first, until the engine calmed to a dull roar and the sound of Bobby Vinton came wafting from the speakers mounted on the bike's touring cowl.

This is in no way odd.

After all, the Polish Prince is nearly a deity here in the Milwaukee area - practically a staple for anyone that grew up in Wisconsin.

*** Note - No Scamp scooters or Bobby Vinton CDs were harmed during the writing of this blog. ***

5 comments:

Slade said...

this is too funny...I imagine that there are these kind of characters in every town...

hey shawn, I know the perfect book for you! The Timewaster Letters by Robin Cook. It is hilarious and it reminds me a bit of you...I am going to post a little blurp about it because I think that everyone should read it.

Debby said...

alright - you've got some great characters - but i've just recently (as in the past two weeks) moved from NY to Iowa and I've got people who get around town on their riding lawnmowers - I keep expecting the Children of the Corn to show up on my front porch

Laura said...

Oy. I've seen many versions of woman #1 and #2. Self-centered people really piss me off. Fat people on those scooters just make me want to say "ya know, if you got up and WALKED, you might fit through the aisles" But even walking is too much work now. sigh. The guy on the Harley sounds like a hoot.

thephoenixnyc said...

Over the last few years I have noticed, all over the country, people riding on these scooters, people movers, fat mobiles.

For no other reason than they are too fat to get around themselves.

The Empire has truly well and died.

Shawn said...

Slade - I'm a gonna go look fer that there book. I just started 'Dirty Job' by Christopher Moore and should be done pretty quick.

Debby - Ah yes...the famous Iowa lawn mower riders. There's even less to do in Iowa than there is in Wisconsin, so there's probably plenty more crazies out there.

Laura - What? Strange people in Chicago? I find that hard to believe.

Phoenix - If by 'The Empire has truly well and died' you mean 'What the fuck is the matter with us!?!' then I'm with you 100 percent on this one.