If you haven't been to a Laundromat* lately, you oughta go and spin a load of clothes just for the adventure. There's one by my house and today I took the trek down and out to a whole other world -- one that I've blithely driven by nearly every day for a year.
After walking in through the two doors with the cracked glass and noting that the second had its metal kick plate torn off, you might expect this to be a fetid dump but you would be wrong. The place was clean, if nothing else.
The magazine selection was sorely lacking. All I could find were coupon sections with half the coupons gone, a couple of Watchtowers and a couple of freakish magazines. Ah, before you start picturing fetish and porn at the local Laundro -- cue the bowwww chicka boww boww music -- let me explain that there was no porn to be found. Yes, I looked.
The mags in question were far more dirty than any porn. The first one had a lovely photo of the White House on it and a headline for a story inside about how the Lord is with the righteous which is why He was smiting those wicked towel heads. It didn't actually say 'smiting' or 'towelheads' on the cover, but I kid you not about the Lord being with the righteous in this war. Holy crap do I want to go smite the ass that published this crap. The second one was even worse, but it didn't have a pretty picture on the cover just a big 'God Bless America!', a cross and some smaller headlines...
The other thing you might find is a big -- and I do mean big -- black woman. The black part has little to do with the story, it's just to show you I'm observant and don't miss too much... Anyway, this woman was pushing 300 if she was pushing 100. Did I say big? Yeah, well that might be understating it.
Anyway, I feared for her life because it's been hot lately and it can't be that easy carrying around all that extra weight. Then, as if to prove my worries true, she takes a big slug of some diet soda -- bless her heart -- and proceeds to have a coughing, choking fit. Now I'm really getting a bit worried because my Heimlich skills may not be up to snuff and I'm thinking -- damn my blackheart -- that I don't know if I can get my arms all the way around her to do the maneuver if it comes to it. Anyway, the anti-climax is that some of that diet sodie pop went down the wrong tube... She was fine.
During my stay in Wonderland,** I also saw a sketchy old man that you might not trust with your kids if you were going on appearances. He wasn't doing any laundry, but apparently he forgot a butt in the ashtray. After he dug through it, it was obvious that there were several that were in pretty good shape. And you thought the butt fairy*** only cleaned out those ashtrays at night. Silly you...
Then there was the slow guy. He had the look and actions of someone that they used to call slow. I'll be nice and say he was challenged... He also had a better car than me, which doesn't always say much since me car sort of sucks. In this case though, the guy's car was pretty nice.
Come to think of it, the big black lady had a better car than me too... And so did the other fat lady (she was only about 180-200 so I didn't mention her earlier) who showed up when I was finishing my fine folding job... At least the sketchy butt fairy didn't have a better car than me. He was walking though so it's possible he had a sweet ride at home... That would suck.
________________*Yes Laundromat people, I know that Laundromat is a trademarked name and I should be using the term laundry mat or laundermat... but I don't give a rat's ass so I will improperly use your trademarked term all I want.
**To Lewis Carroll, I hope you don't mind me comparing a Laundromat to your Wonderland, but it truly was a whacked out place. Also, I know you're dead and all but I thought it would be polite to mention that I meant no offense...
***Cigarette butts you pervs.