Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I hated Woody too...

It was a good dream, but more importantly, it was wrapped in several hours of sleep. Nipping close on the heels of a three-hour sleep day, the sleep part was glorious - until the tapping seeped in.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap...

What? No, you've got to kidding me.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap...

Maybe if I ignore it?

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap...

The dream breaks up and blows away like thick smoke. Where once was restful repose, only annoyance remains. And still the insistant sound goes on.

Tap, tap, knock, pound, knock, knock...

Pulling on some jeans, I trudge to the door. The Levis feel like they have 501 buttons to do up. I don't bother with a shirt. Secretly, I hope the early morning sight of a shirtless me will burn this little bastard's eyes.

Knock, knock, tap, tap, tap...

I pull open the door to see a brown Carhartt-wearing insulation guy standing there like a giant, retarded woodpecker. If an unfunny Dana Carvey showed up your door in the morning to blow insulation in the attic and seal gaps in the attic, he would look like this.

I don't bother with a smile, just pull the door open.

"Come on in..."

I turn and trudge back towards my bedroom.

"Oh...I didn't wake you up did I?"

What the... this is despite the five-minute talk yesterday about how I would have gotten back from working at about 4 a.m.? This guy is as dumb as he looks.

"Yes, you did..." I reply.

I've been trying to refrain from using profanity and throwing the guy's ladder out in the snow. So far, I've succeeded, but now I feel a cold draft on my back that seems to tell me that despite the fact it's about 20 degrees outside, the retarded Dana Carvey woodpecker has left the front door wide open.

See you in jail...

9 comments:

Laura said...

Next time answer the door naked - THAT'll teach him! ;P

Shelly said...

i agree with laura!! hahah. but you must take pics and put them on your blog!! j/k (or am i)? :)
I'm sorry that that guy is so stupid....hope he finishes soon!

Shawn said...

Damn...I should have thought of that!

Naked with a shotgun would be even better...umm...I mean holding my shotgun...ummm...I mean brandishing a weapon...uhhhh...oh, never mind...

Finishes soon? Oh no...not he... This is actually Day 2. Right now he and the dumbass partner who walked into my closed bedroom without knocking to get to the bathroom are on a much needed luncheon break. I believe they are dining on a lovely slab of white bread and mayo.

thephoenixnyc said...

Did you see my post about the Mormons? You would have known what to do if you had.

tshsmom said...

At the risk of sounding like Name That Tune, I can singlehandedly insulate an attic in ONE DAY!! WTF?! Let me guess. These guys get paid by the hour, right?

Shawn said...

To be perfectly fair to the woodpecker and his pal, they were 'weatherizing' the place.

Since it's an old, brick farmhouse, that meant a lot of sealing and such...but I was pretty much expecting them to just blow some insulation in the attic.

But, you're right...it shouldn't take almost two full days to finish.

The Zombieslayer said...

Heh, Laura's is hilarious. Do that.

Shawn said...

Would I be liable for the mental anguish he would suffer and the lingering horrific dreams that would likely ensue?

tshsmom said...

No, you're not the homeowner; go for it!