An open letter to Tom Cruise...

Tom Cruise I hate you... Obviously you are here to do nothing but annoy me...

Nicole Kidman? Fine, you're a good looking guy, you worked together, I'll give you this one... I didn't really like it, but she seemed happy and her career didn't suffer from your crap acting rubbing off...

Penelope Cruz? You really pushed my buttons here Tom. First of all, I saw her way before you did. Second... dude you're short. I know it's hard for you to accept, but you are. It's taken me a long time to look at Penelope with any respect. I could only do it by convincing myself that it was because she too was short and her limited English let you work your smarmy ways...

But, Katie Holmes..? This is the final straw dude. I know you didn't buy all the Dawson's Creek DVDs. You probably didn't even sit through "Pieces of April," did you? No, you were too busy shagging Penelope Cruz at the time.

Tom, if we ever meet, I'm going to punch you. I will bust out some L.Ronjitsu on you and beat you senseless with a Scientology book. Then I shall dress you as a Hari Krishna and prop you up in the baggage terminal at LAX next to a stack of Hari Krishna pamphlets. Your agent won't find you there for weeks... when's the last time you picked up your own luggage?

That's it. I'm spent. I have no more to say...

(The preceding rant was brought on by reading my friend Eileen's blog and I already had a headache... Thanks a lot Eileen.)