Vatican Idol

The Catholic Church is really missing out on a great opportunity here... Seriously, millions of people around the world are sitting on edge of their seats -- or hard, wooden pews -- wondering who the next Pope will be.

So why decide in private?

They should make it a televised contest. Start at the beginning with tryouts and all the funny slipups that would entail...

"Yeah... of course controlling rampant overpopulation with birth control is a good idea..." Dooh... another one bites the dust.

"Hail Margaret, full of grace..." Oops. Blooper reel.

The competition would be fierce, but think of the fun...

Simon-Peter Cowell could be the Catholic bad boy on the panel.

"That was probably the worst Hail Mary I've ever heard... That was atrocious... Ouch! Why did you hit me Saula?! It was terrible..."

"Well, I like that you really took what we said last week about your Papal Blessing to heart," a smiling Saula would say to the eager contestant. "I think you really nailed it this week."

The buzz around the holy-water coolers would be huge...

"Like I totally thought the one guy from Botswana was so cute... they should have totally kept him."

"Yeah, but he didn't look very good in red and did you see when he almost dropped that one wafer? Besides, the guy from Italy is totally gonna win."

"So what about the red... when he's Vatican Idol, he wouldn't be wearing red anyway. You know he would look hot in white..."

Why wouldn't this work? They've got a built-in, global fan base. They've got a worldwide broadcast company.