My tete a tete with the former Prez...

Because most people don't get much of a chance to spend time with a president - former or current - I'm going to try and give you little glimpse at my glamourous life. Secrecy and tact precludes me from telling all, but rest assured I will be revealing the best parts to you guys.

I arrived early, as is my wont when I'm scheduled to meet with former presidents. It's just nice to get a lay of the land, so to speak, since it's already a bit intimidating to meet with a past leader of the free world. When I got to Wal-Mart - yes, I too wondered at his choice of meeting places, but who am I to argue? - I noted there was quite a long line of people clutching books, apparently hoping to catch a glimpse and maybe try to get an autograph. I'm not so hardened that I didn't feel for these people and decided to show my solidarity with the regular folk by standing in line with them.

What a lucky thing for me. I was able to meet Tom, the gay doctor, and his lovely friend, Whatshername. She really was lovely, but she was rather unfortunate in having a forgetable name. Anyway, Gay Tom, Whatshername and I had a wonderful time chatting in line. Tom even bought us all some waters and offered us some spud wedges, which he declared were fabulous. That's just how we are in Wisconsin, what can I say?

Anyway, we were having so much fun in the party aisle with the mini Magic 8 Balls, Sponge Bob party favors and Barbie balloons that the time got away from us. It hardly seemed like a minute more than two hours of standing in one place. Well, knowing that presidents are usually sticklers for punctuality, I was fixing to say my goodbyes to my new friends when the line started moving.

'What the heck,' I figured. 'Might as well just spend some more time with these folks. The former president can wait.'

We moved forward at a pretty good clip. Down the party aisle, around the front, and up the center aisle. It was a long line and it stretched back and forth around ten aisles. I was sorely tempted along the way by many wondrous items like dog biscuits and toilet scrubbers, but I had important people to meet, so I left the goodies behind for another trip.

Gay Tom and Whatshername walked with me. I think they were hoping to ride my coattails in for a little face time with the Prez.

An eager. young intern type took my books for me...clearly she recognized me and was doing a bit of sucking up. She passed my books to another aide and told her they belonged to me. The aide nodded knowingly...

I don't want to talk out of shop or anything, but since you guys are my blog pals...I'm going to include a complete transcript of my private conversation with the former President of the United States:

Aide: These are his.
Former President of the United States, Jimmy Carter: (looks up) Oh thank you.
Me: Thank you sir.
Former President of the United States, Jimmy Carter: Oh, well, thank you for coming out.
Me: Thanks for being here sir. Thanks very much.

Pundits will be reading what they want into that exchange, but I'm not going to stoop down there in the gutter with them.

Gay Tom, Whatshername, and I walked out together. We were, understandably, giddy from the heady experience.

'Wow...this line is still really long,' I said to my new friends.

'Well, thank god we weren't way back here,' said Gay Tom. 'These people are going to be here forever! Forever!'

I think a Sponge Bob flew by my head...