Thursday, April 27, 2006

Is it magic?

Is it just me, or does anyone else wonder where all the Steven Seagal movies come from?

For a while, it seemed like the four or five that they always showed on the USA or TNT networks were about four or five too many. Now, it seems like there are about 500 previously unknown Steven Seagal movies on the telly.

What gives?

Did there really have to be any more Steven Seagal movies after 'Above the Law'? I can answer that one for you. No. Why? Because every other movie after 'Above the Law' was really only 'Above the Law' with different costumes.

So, you think I'm a little too worried about this strange Seagal phenomenon? Go check out IMDB and tell me there's not something odd going on. In 2005 alone the guy was in four movies. Let me repeat that. Steven Seagal made four movies in 2005. This year, he already has two movies released with two more in post production, he's attached to a third, and he's currently filming another.

I think it's time to admit that the impossible is indeed possible. That's right - Steven Seagal is a space alien. He is indeed the tip of a fullscale alien invasion. And worse yet...all the aliens look exactly like him. Some are already here helping pave the way. And they clearly have helpers in key Hollywood positions. How else could a seemingly washed up B-lister suddenly be making all these movies?

Face it. There's no other possible explanation.

How awful would it be if their plan is to bore us to death with crappy movies?

I hope the end comes quick. It was nice knowing you.

**More Seagal mayhem... Perhaps one of the funniest things of all time, is knowing that in one of the 2006 projects - 'The Untitled Onion Movie' - Seagal's character is called simply, Cock Puncher. That's beyond awesome!

***Seagal brush with greatness... My friend Eric's ill-fated first marriage was to Ginger Lewis, who had a memorable role in the classic 'Under Siege 2'. She was the Lady Hostage. She distracts the terrorists by coming out of the train's bathroom and saying, "My bra broke..."

Oddly, I've first seen Eric's first wife and his current wife by renting movies. His current wife is the real Erin Brockovich. She was seen in the movie as the waitress in a diner who waited on Julia Roberts. Her character's name? Uh-huh...Julia. Oh those daffy Hollywood writers.


K said...

You just wanted a reason to write "cock puncher", didn't you?

He's no Chuck Norris...

Did you know there's no chin under Chuck Norris's beard? Only another fist

Wendy said...

I wholeheartedly agree Shawn. I can't imagine how he keeps getting parts in movies. I also can't imagine who keeps paying for these terrible movies.

Could everyone who has watched a Steven Seagal movie in the last 10 years please raise their hand.

Just as I thought. No one.

Yup, space alien...

Kate said...

OK, hold the phone. Your friend Eric is married to the REAL Erin Brockovich?

That is pretty damn cool.

Was George the biker really fictional, or is that really Eric?

Shawn said...

Yeah...truly. And George the Biker is a real person, but not so nice as he seemed in the movie. He and her ex-husband went to jail for trying to extort money from Erin and her boss. They got caught in a sting operation.

Eric knew her before that, during the time that she was working on the case. They sort of lost touch because they were both busy with stuff.

He ended up in the ill-fated Ginger marriage and some time after that blew up, he ran into Erin again and they started seeing each other.

I've got a lot of weird stories like that.

Kate said...

I am so bummed about George. I had hoped, when I watched the film, that he'd be real, and nice to boot. I mean, he watched her kids. He snuggled with the baby.

However, I'm guessing your friend Eric is a good egg (because you're friends with him, after all) so Erin the Heroine would up with a nice guy after all?

That's good.

(PS: I like weird stories!!!)

tshsmom said...

OK, I'll admit it. I did watch ONE Seagall movie start to finish, Executive Decision. BUT he died in the first 15 minutes of the movie and the rest of the film highlighted Kurt Russell.
You're right though; the rest of his movies SUCK!

You know Erin? How cool!

joanne said...

I always tried to figure out what the appeal was with Seagal. Still haven't figured it out to this day.

Laura said...

B-movies and porn have a lot in common. Both make most of their money in "direct to video" productions, and most are produced very rapidly on crappy budgets.

My question is - who is buying and/or renting this crap?

Mister Underhill said...

They could at least be thugs from outer space capable of acting :(

Shawn said...

These are some of life's great mysteries...

I'm with you on that Mr. U...but I would prefer my personal favorite, hot, green, alien babes...

The Zombieslayer said...

Well, what can we say? he's the Ronald Reagan of our generation. The thing I'm wondering is who in the world rushes out to see a Seagall movie? The guy's acting's probably as bad as mine and he's over the hill. Sure twenty years ago he was Aikido champ, but isn't he in his mid-50s now?

Now Pat Morita looked cool in his mid-60s, but Seagall kind of looks like a dork now.

Miranda said...

*laugh* I always change the channel when he comes on. But I've never actually watched any of his movies. Now I have a reason to. I need to see this phenomenon!