Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Are you lame enough...

I've been back here in Wisconsin for about three years now and actually spent most of my childhood growing up here. I've made some observations and have - I think - made some unfair stereotypes about many of the people of this state.

One such erroneous stereotype is that Wisconsin drivers suck. They don't actually suck as drivers...they suck as people. Wait...that's not right either. People in Wisconsin simply display a certain degree of lameness that exceeds the lameness of people from most other places and this lameness manifests itself in many driving.

Here's the thing...Wisconsin is a nice place and offers some nice attractions. This might cause people from other places to want to maybe move here. Unfortunately, many of these people won't be able to muster the reguisite levels of lameness to fit in. In short, they will be miserable.

So, I decided that I should perhaps help prevent that by devising a series of tests that will help people to learn if they are indeed lame enough to live here.

I've split them up so I can dole them out a little a time. Here's the first one:

The above diagram shows an intersection with three cars. The cars are numbered in the order that they arrived at the four-way stop. Cars 1 and 3 will be travelling straight ahead after the stop and car 2 will be turning left onto the cross street. Assuming that no outside forces come into play (ie. monsters, aliens, toppling buildings, pedestrians, etc.), in what order should the cars proceed?

A) 1, 2, 3

B) I don't know...does it matter?

C) Whatever car I'm in should go first.

D) I wouldn't be driving a car...I would be riding a bike to save the environment.

E) What? There are other cars on the road? When did that happen?

Well, the only correct answer here is "A". If you picked "A", you're only going to get mad if yu live here. Trust me on this. If you picked "B", "C", or "E", you are indeed lame enough to live here. Although, if you picked "C", you should really try would likely get along better in Illinois. If you picked "D", you are truly admirable and we respect you for that, but we don't really do crazy shit like that should probably try Oregon.


Laura said...

I dunno... Wisconsin's not so bad. At least you guys have some nice lakes and forest and glacier bluffs... aside from Chicago, Illinois pretty much sucks. And I'd be willing to bet that Southern Illinois has a more active Klan chapter than anything you cheeseheads can muster.

Miranda said...

"They don't actually suck as drivers...they suck as people."

*Laugh* If I came here first thing, every morning, I might not need coffee.

Shawn said...

Laura - You're right on that. Wisconsin is pretty nice and the people are nice too, but clueless. Illinois is, well, Illinois...but you do have Chicago so that's something.

Miranda - Shucks...I think I'm blushing...I always wanted to be better than coffee.

thephoenixnyc said...

An old air travel joke.

The plane lands in Wisconsin, and the announcement is made:

"Welcome to Wisconsin, please set your cloks back 40 years."

But Madison is a cool town.

Jason said...

You flyover types are so cute when you're hard on yourself! ;-)

Notta Wallflower said...

Actually, bikers would fit in well in Western Washington - I just moved away from there and bikers on the roadways are all but unavoidable. I'm probably naturally lame enough to live in Wisconsin, but I have learned to suppress some of the lame-ness (I think). :-P

The Zombieslayer said...

Well, I said it before and I'll say it again, at least you have the Packers. The closest city to me right now is L.A. It's the second largest city in America. Do you know how many football teams it has? Zero. You know why? Because sports fans here suck and don't deserve a football team.

So one day, I'm going to get rich and buy a "fall" house in Wisconsin. I'll take bad drivers over lame sports fans, except of course when I'm driving.