Mini-mart update

Yesterday I walked the couple blocks up to the mini-mart (aka the Our-Bags-Are-Made-of-Pure-Gold-Mart) and bought the following items:

• 3 packs of Top Ramen
• 1 gallon o' Ice Cream
• 1 2-liter Mt. Dew
• 1 big bag o' Lay's Potato Chips
• 1 Sobe soda
• 1 personal pizza (sausage if you must know)

Since I had to ask for a freakin bag, I waited until she was done stuffing as much as she could into a tiny, two-sizes-too-small bag before I asked if I could have two bags. Then I waited before asking if they had any bigger bags.

Happy long weekend...

This whole long weekend thing is a great idea... I think we should have more.

Oh yeah, I should also have a bunch of money. Did that sound shallow? I think maybe it did... What I meant is that I should have a ton of money and total enlightenment. There, that's better.
What would I do with a ton of money though? I'm not entirely sure. I know a few things I would want right away.

I would buy a small house. It would probably be old and quirky, but fairly cool. I would also be willing to buy a loft instead. Either way it should have lots of wall space for artwork and African masks.

A car... definately could use a newer car. I don't know if I would go with brand new though, even if I was loaded. Maybe I should have two. A convertible and something like a Jeep for getting dirty.

A stellar trip. I haven't been to Europe for a few years and would love to go back. Africa has always been a dream of mine, so that might trump a European excursion. I don't think I want to do anything less than a couple of weeks though. A month might be good. Of course, that would only fuel the desire to live overseas somewhere.

I would also take care of my parents as best I could. They're not getting any younger as they say. I owe them so much and it hurts to know I don't have the finances to take care of them if anything should happen. Maybe everyone feels this way when their parents get old, but it's very scarey to me.

I think I would set up a small trust fund for each of my nephews too. Nothing too fancy... but the catch would be that they can only use them to travel. I think travelling is one of the best mind expanders there is. Hopefully, they wouldn't do any Hilton travelling either. I would love them to just go somewhere and then figure it out when they got there... cheap hotels and hostels, shopping at the markets and all the stuff that doesn't packaged in a tour...

Anyway... that's it off the top of my little brain. Now I'm spent... Have a great day.

Excuse me...

Hey... Any way I could maybe get a bag for all this? Is that a question that really needs to be asked at the local mini mart?

I don't know if this is just something that's happening more commonly or what, but it seems like almost every time I stop a mini mart of any sort I always have to ask for a bag. It doesn't even matter if I just paid for a heaping stack of crap on the counter... it's like these clerks just don't even consider the possibility that I might want something to carry it all in.

I don't know... I just don't get it.

Tagged...

I was tagged by Joanne who hit and ran off to New York for a vacation.

Here are my answers:

Total volume of music files on my computer?

• 5.8 Gigs That would be higher, but I'm far too lazy to ever finish ripping my CDs to my computer.

The last CD I bought was:

• I'm not actually sure, but it might have been the 'Garden State' soundtrack. Other possibilities are Preston School of Industry - 'Monsoon', or The Clash - 'From Here to Eternity - Live'.

Song playing right now:

• Actually, nothing right now. The last song I played was Fiona Apple - 'Red, Red, Red'. My friend Eileen laid down a challenge to find this unreleased Fiona Apple album and this is the second song on that album.

Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me (in no particular order):

• U2 - 'Where the Streets Have No Name' It just reminds me of being a high school kid in LA. To me U2 is high school and college and watching MTV. They're the good times...


• Marxmen - 'All About Eve' This isn't a happy one, but it's very good. It talks about a woman they knew who was abused and how they couldn't get her out of the relationship.


• Aerosmith - 'Girls of Summer' C'mon, it's got lyrics like, "When all you think about all day long, is a pretty face inside a song, with a thought like that you can't go wrong..." and "My favorite thing that drives me wild, is when a city girl walks a country mile for the boy she loves, God bless the child inside the girls of summer..."


• Modern English - 'Melt With You' This one sort of defines a certain generation. It sometimes makes me feel good... other times, it makes me a bit nostalgic.


• Peter Gabriel - 'In Your Eyes' Ferris Bueller might have gotten all the play... but every guy I know wanted to be Lloyd Dobler and every girl wanted their guy to be like Lloyd. Who wasn't touched when he stood outside her window with his boom box held high?

It figures...

The French Open started today. I flipped over to it after watching the end of a West Wing rerun. It's pretty exciting to see the early rounds of the majors televised. Since I used to love watching Anna play, the early rounds were my friend... the later rounds, not so much. Anyway, wouldn't you know it... the match that was served up was Venus Williams and a Spanish player.

Watching led me to some tennis type thoughts:

• I like women's tennis more than men's. No surprise there. The only guys I ever liked watching were Bjorn Borg, Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi.
• I was really jealous when Andre hooked up with Steffi Graf, but I have to admit they make a cute couple. I saw one of the commercials they do together about 100 times today and she's still amazing to me.
• If I were to hook up with a celebrity, I would rather date a tennis player than an actress.
• I really miss watching Steffi Graf play tennis.
• I really miss watching Pete Sampras practically die on the court and still come through with a win.
• The return of the tennis skirt/dress is a good thing.
• I'm glad John McEnroe isn't one of the announcers for the early rounds.
• Why the fuck am I sitting in West Bend, Wisconsin, instead of a seat at Roland Garros right now? I should plan on going next year. I would think about Wimbledon, but I've been to Paris and want to go back and I've never been to London. Hmmm, maybe that's a good reason to think about Wimbledon.
• Since I'm not going to go to the French Open or Wimbledon any time soon, I should see what tournaments will be going on within driving distance this summer.
• Lindsay Davenport is very intelligent and also pretty darn attractive in person.
• Mary Jo Fernandez once gave me a really good interview, but I couldn't get over the fact that she had dissed my friend Vince when he had to do a story on her back when she was still playing. I was tempted to say something.
• Russian girls are hot. Russian girls in tennis skirts are... I can't even put it into words.
• When I was a little kid, I saw Chris Evert play an indoor tournament in LA. After the match, I ran down to the main floor and met her at the exit as she left the court. She signed an autograph. That would never happen today.

Sadly... I must now start thinking about doing a spot of work. Why, oh why, must I labor?

Only changed once

This weekend, I only changed out of my pajama bottoms and tee shirt once. That was to go to the store. I changed back when I got home.

There wasn't much on TV, but I watched anyway. Didn't feel much like playing on my computer, but then did.

If you think I accomplished nothing all weekend, you're right. Oh well...

It's just a horse

Who knew you could get emotional about a horse? Okay, besides everyone who saw Seabiscuit... Fine, Black Beauty and National Velvet too... Now you're just ruining the mood.

I got up this morning, turned on the television and started flipping through some channels. I was in the mood for some tennis, so I headed for the low 30s. That's where the ESPNs reside on my cable. As long as it wasn't a match with the Williams sisters, I was going to be fine. The Williams sisters bug me. They always have for some reason. But that's another story.

Anyway, there was a horse racing show on The Deuce so I skipped that. I also skipped over some car race on the Speed Channel, a fishing show and two hunting shows.

Then I got to ESPN Classics. They had documentary about a horse called Whirlaway on. For some reason, I started watching. This horse was awesome. So awesome I started tearing up watching him win these incredible come-from-behind races. By the time he won the Triple Crown -- blowing the competition off the track -- I was a basket case.

Then, just as I think they've doled out enough emotion on a Saturday morning, they up the stakes.

It's the early 40s and WWII is raging. It turns out Whirlaway has captured the imagination of the nation as it were. That's not hard to believe after watching film of him winning some of these big races. Seriously, he was in last place in one of the legs of the Triple Crown -- so far back he's literally not even in the picture -- and the fucking horse lays it on at the last turn and torches everyone. It was unreal.

Turns out most of the country sort of felt like Whirlaway in the first two thirds of the race. Pearl Harbor brought us into the war and we and the Allies were getting spanked. Then there's this hard-to-handle horse that comes roaring out of last place to win again. He was a hero.

They're showing clips of GIs listening to a radio broadcast of one of his races and I'm about to gush. When they start telling about how this damn horse ended up raising more money in War Bonds than all the other celebrities hawking them, I'm smiling and my face is wet.

When it was over, I was left thinking that since I couldn't blame it on hormones, I was glad no one was around. I also realized that it felt good to get a little emotional... even if it was just a horse.

12 pack

Last night I bought a 12 pack of 1/2 oz. Nestle Crunch bars. I have already eaten them all. Perhaps that's not something to be proud of... but today's goals have been set low. Also, to prove that I'm no lightweight (at least not any more), I ate most of them with peanut butter smeared on the top. That's gourmet baby.

I have no idea what lofty things shall be achieved this afternoon.

Retarded drivers...

What is the invisible force that makes people pull out in front of me causing me to slow down when there's not a car behind me for at least a mile and a half? Would it seriously hurt these people to wait the three or four seconds it would take for me to pass by merrily on my way?

I know some of my bitches about bad drivers are universal, but I live in Wisconsin where people even transfer their bad driving skills to non-driving situations like shopping. When I used to try and politely squeeze by in the aisles -- I was treated like a visitor from another dimension. Now I push the carts out of the way and only acknowledge the presence of other shoppers in my path with disdainful grunts -- I haven't been smiled at more. Go figure.

Back to driving...

Oh, never mind. It's not worth it.

I didn't want to be the only one without a test...

Well, apparently this is my worldview...

You scored as Postmodernist. Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis. Postmodernist 69% Cultural Creative 69% Existentialist 63% Materialist 63% Idealist 50% Modernist 50% Romanticist 38% Fundamentalist 31% What is Your World View? (corrected...hopefully) created with QuizFarm.com

It just wouldn't work...

My brother and I were driving along a back road today.

He turns to me and asks, "Why can't they have an Autobahn in the United States? At least between major cities?"

I was in a pissy mood so I just sort of grunted, "Dunno."

What I was thinking was, "Because Americans are retarded."

Seriously, just drive on any freeway for about fifteen minutes and tell me if you think that people are really any good at this driving thing.

Just for the record, I would love to have an Autobahn-type freeway. It's fun to drive fast... Whoah... I must still be in a pissy mood because I almost added that it would also help to cull the herd.

Drinku...

I'm heading out the door.
This is a night for drinking,
Which is what I shall do.

If you're a Republican... you're gonna think less of me...

WARNING -- THE FOLLOWING MAY CONTAIN CRITICAL REASONING. IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY LOGIC, PLEASE JUST STEP AWAY FROM THE BROWSER...

Weapons of Mass Delusionment

Maybe someone can explain this whole weapons of mass destruction thing to me. You remember those. These alleged weapons are the reason we're over in Iraq right now. There were tons -- no really, tons -- of them over there. We weren't sure where that crafty bastard hid them, but they were out there somewhere.

Every day of the leadup to the invasion, we were told by the administration and the Republicans on the hill that we had to get in there quick and stop this huge threat to our security.

"This is a war on terror people... just look at that freak, you just gotta know he's planning to use these Weapons of Mass Destruction. Did y'all get that? That was WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... That's W.E.A.P.O... ah, heck you fellas can just look it up..."*

So... here we are.

After all this time over there searching, we still haven't found much. Maybe it's just that Republicans suck at finding stuff. They spent how many years funding Kenneth Star? At least he managed to uncover a blowjob... great work Kenny. Maybe if you spent more time getting a blow job than trying to fu@@ the former president up the a$$... but that's a whole different tangent.

(It's also a great possibility for some cheap humour... "Ah Dubya... this is Bubba... you lookin' for weapons of mass destruction? I got one right here in my pants. Hahahahahahahah... Hillary... did you hear that? I just PUNKED Bush!")

My real question is this. Is a nuclear bomb a weapon of mass destruction? I always thought it was. Maybe I'm just naive, but it seems to be a perfect candidate for the name.

So, if we were so worried about weapons of mass destruction, why is it that we had spend all this fucking money looking in a barren, rotten desert when there was a bunch of little North Koreans jumping up and down, waving their hands and screaming, "We've got a bomb over here! We're working on nuclear weapons!"

What, did no one translate that for George W.?

"Uhhh... Sir... we think that when they're saying that they're working on nuclear weapons, they're talkin' about nucular bombs..."

"What! Holy Crap... Nucular bombs are bad!"**

Great job asshole. Thanks a bunch. Yeah I feel so much more secure since you took office. Thank God we didn't elect a Democrat...

I'm not sure if I'm more offended by the politicians who have been feeding me all this crap... or by the people who re-elected Bush because they believed it.

*This is a genuine, simulated, re-enacted conversation with the American people. Actors are being used. No animals were hurt during the filming of this genuine, simulated, re-enacted conversation with the American people...

**This is also a genuine, simulated... c'mon, is it that hard to imagine this actually happening? You know you can sort of picture it. Don't worry, you won't get kicked out of the "I Luv 'Merica" Club

My turn...

It seems like everyone in my little blog world has been feeling a bit blah lately. Now it's my turn. I haven't managed to do anything today. That's not true. I did walk out to check my mail.

I also watched back to back episodes of Law and Order this afternoon. That just managed to make me angry with lawyers...

Now I'm gearing up for a big burst of activity. I'm going to throw on some jeans and walk the couple blocks to the store. Maybe two liters of Mountain Dew and a stretch of the legs will get me going...

Tom's stepped it up...

Apparently Tom Cruise has been reading my blog and decided to ratchet up our feud.

As you know, Tom and I have a rather rocky relationship. Some might call it nonexistent, but I prefer to think of it as very distant. Most of the time, he goes about his business and I go about mine and we don't really have anything to do with each other.

That seems to work for both of us and things had been fine for a while. Then he started dating Katie Holmes.

I didn't say anything at first, but when my friend Eileen brought it up in her blog I had to say something. Some challenges just need to be accepted. You would think that after my open letter to him, Tom would kind of lay low for a while just to be cool... but no, the rat bastard has stepped it up.

First, I'm in line at the grocery store. There it is... cover of People, or maybe it was Us. Then there's more covers greating me at Target. And to top off the insult, the checker that rang me up a Traget had been sereptitiously reading the friggin' article... She still had it open!

You nearly had me on that one Tom. But I'm wise to your tricks.

Okay, you got me to freak out a bit in line at Target. (I think that poor girl is still a bit weirded out.) But now that I see your nefarious plan is to use your extensive publicity network to rile me and get me to snap, I will be the picture of calm.

That's right... You may be hot, sexy and rich, and you may have gotten me to get pissed in line at Target, but I'm still taller than you... You can't win this one...

The 'Nati is comin' to the Brew City...

My social life is poised for a dramatic spike. It's not hard to create a spike in a flatline. Let's just say that lately trips to the store have been cultural highlights.

Anyway, my friend Eileen is going to be up here for a few days which means that at least a few beers shall be quaffed. And there's really not much that rivals quaffage for fun, is there? It's too early to tell, but right now I'm leaning towards the beer route... although the thought of some crazy-ass drink concoction sounds preety good too.

I really do need to get out more. That, or make more constructive use of my time at home... Nah. I just need to get out more.

Tell it like it is George...

This sort of sums up my feelings lately:

"The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those that do not have it." -- George Bernard Shaw, quoted in the Redlands, California, Daily Facts

How far behind can I get?

Warning! The Following May Contain Rambling*:

Okay, I admit that I sometimes miss the boat and then defiantly refuse to get on it until the cruise is almost over. Let's just say it was a bit embarrassing to discover that my parents got their first CD before I did...

That said, I love the West Wing. I managed to miss most of it for years, but now I've been reeled in. I blame it on the odd schedule I used to have that prevented me from seeing most of primetime. That and lack of Tivo action. Odd to think there wasn't even a Tivo around at the start of the show...

But I digress. I tuned in because I found out that Winnie was on the show... Yeah, Winnie of The Wonder Years. Anyway, that was the catalyst that started my meltdown into a West Wing rerun netherland from which I have yet to return. I must see them all. Please God, please, send me a marathon!

I've had a few important thoughts while watching West Wing. I'm not going to share those. You get the -- ummm, well -- shallow ones...

1) I've barely seen Winnie at all, but she looks very nice as a grown up. This leads me to wonder who was most crush-worthy... Winnie Cooper or Joey Potter? I'm still up in the air on that one.

2) How come I don't hate Rob Lowe? He's even prettier than Tom Cruise. Yet, I sort of like the guy. I wouldn't even mind hanging out with him. Maybe it's his character that makes him seem cooler... Oh yeah, and the fact that he hasn't moved in on another of my not-so-secret crushes. I hate you Tom Cruise.

3) I would much rather have a fictional Democrat as President than the real, live (well, semi-live) moron currently in office. Is it possible for one man to make me less proud to be an American?

4) Ainsley is downright scorching even though she's not very tall...

5) I've got to get out more often...

* The Surgeon General hasn't weighed in yet... but he could at some point determine that pregnant women and those on heart medication should just ignore my ramblings. It can't be said that I don't care about your health.

Oddly enough...

Ummm... oddly enough, my little website www.makemeasandwich.net has taken firm control of the top search engine slot for a Yahoo search 'toasts to getting pussy'. Not exactly the effect I was shooting for, but I'll take what I can get.

By the way, I know this from my site log file. It records, among other things, how people get to the site. This isn't something I found by searching myself -- although there would be a certain amount of humor to that.

Anyway, I feel bad for the guy (I assume it was a guy... but I could be wrong). He innocently -- perhaps even hopefully -- goes to Yahoo, types in 'toasts to getting pussy' and hits enter. Then - Oh Happy Day! -- there are a bunch of possibilities. He tries the first one and imagine his disappointment when he finds not a 'toast to getting pussy', but a short story about Daniel Ortega being called a pussy. It had to be a letdown...

So... to whoever you are -- I'm truly sorry that you didn't find what you were looking for. Just so you know that I'm not heartless and uncaring, I am posting a personal favorite 'toast to getting pussy' that might fit the bill for you:

"To Space...

When God made Adam,
He made him out of string.
He had a little extra,
So he left a little thing.

When God made Eve,
He made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough,
So he left a little space.

Here's to space..."

In case you were wondering -- if you Google the same phrase you get a bit different result. Not that I looked...

For anyone wanting to read the short story at the heart of all this confusion, click here.

Little things we do

Today I watched a little old lady put out an American flag pinwheel. She very carefully placed the top portion onto a small, metal rod planted in the ground outside her door. It was all very meticulous and well rehearsed. Obviously, she had done the same thing many times before.

It made me think about the many things we do regularly... things that we would be hard pressed to explain the importance of beyond the fact that we do them regularly. How much time have I wasted swirling my mocha from Starbucks long after the chocolate has been mixed in? Why is it important to try and eat cookies in odd number amounts? I'm not even compulsive...

Anyway, I know that sometime this evening the little old lady will slowly waddle out of her door, take the top portion of her flag pinwheel off the stake and bring it inside. I wonder if she even knows why she thinks it's important...

Maybe it hasn't been that boring...

If you live in Wisconsin you will likely fall into one of two camps... those who lament the lack of glamour and excitement in their lives or those who don't even know anything is missing...

Well, I know something's been missing, so I quess you can imagine the funk I've been in for the last week. After stewing about my decidedly unexciting life in an unexciting place -- mostly as I was driving around to do my extremely unexciting job -- for the last week, I had a small epiphany last night. I've actually had some interesting things happen to me.

Here are some of my brushes with greatness:

Group One -- Brushes in Portland

I once came withing inches -- and by inches I mean no more than two -- of running headlong into Ray Charles in the lobby of the Portland Marriott.

I once mistook Richard Harris for a homeless street person. He was shaggy because he was rich and could be and also for a reprise of his role in Camelot. The $500 FILA sweats and the limo to take him literally one block to the theatre gave it away.

I know what Ally Sheedy looks like when she first wakes up. I saw her every morning for a week or so when she was heading out to shoot "Short Circuit."

Once, I said to Junkyard Dog, "Wow, you're Junkyard Dog." He replied, "Yes." Andre the Giant was there too, but he didn't say anything. Andre the Giant, by the way, really was huge.

I know that Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart are cool and down to earth because I watched them send away a limo. They were getting picked up by a friend of theirs who was going to drive them up to Seattle. The friend showed up in a beat up, powder blue, VW Beatle. This was the day after they played a sold out show at the Memorial Colliseum... amazing.

My girlfriend and I met Mikhail Baryshnikov after watching him dance. We waited outside the stage door. Who says you need to live in New York to wait outside stage doors?

I once drank beer with the lead singer of the Screaming Blue Messiahs after their show. Looking back, I wonder if he was gay...

The lead singer of Animotion once sang, "You're My Obsession" to me. This one's a bit hard to prove objectively, but sometimes you just know things are the way they seem...

Other various brushes in Portland include, Olympic gymnast Svetlana Boguinskaya and coach Bela Korolyi, a whole pickup truck of rodeo cowboys, a couple of Miss Rodeo Americas, a few Miss Rodeo Oregons, and Dr. J of the Sixers...

Group Two -- California brushes

Anna Kournikova touched my shoulder in the media room of the Bank of the West tournament at Stanford. She was hot and, oddly enough, not sweaty...

Anna Kournikova touched my shoulder. Yeah, I know I just said that but it was worth repeating because it makes me smile.

My friend Eric and I rode in a limo with some guys from Earth, Wind and Fire. They gave us a lift because we helped them get unlost after they stopped in a Baskin Robbins to get directions. Our stock soared with Laura Levy who we were visiting at work at the time. They let us listen to a new song they had recorded. Alas, they were on the downward slide to the State Fair circuit at the time... a couple of years past their prime. Also, Eric got yelled at for riding in a limo with strangers...

I used to have Brooke Shields' phone numbers. Her work one and her home one... yeah, they were actually real...

I have slept in Erin Brockavich's house. Okay fine... she's married to my friend Eric but it still counts major... Eric, by the way, has always had way more brushes than I have...

I drove with Kato on the 405 not that long after the OJ trial. Alright... it wasn't actually with -- it was next to. He was driving a black Mercedes. He did look over a couple of times... there's not much else to do on the 405 because you certainly aren't going anywhere fast...

Some cool people have actually called me at home including Olympic gymnast Kim Zmeskal, football coach Rich Brooks, tennis player Mary Jo Fernandez and that one Russian figure skater who's name evades me...

So... maybe Wisconsin is a dull place, but at least I've had some neat times... Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go rustle up some cheese curds, some bad beer and a bratwurst...

Spring movies suck...

When will the torment end? Please, please, please start the summer blockbuster season early...

I don't even know why I'm holding out any hope for a good run of movies... there's not much on the horizon I'm excited about. Not even the new Star Wars is getting me excited right now. Maybe I'm in a funk... Or maybe there aren't any good movies to see and there aren't going to be any for a while.

I haven't taken the time to check the actual numbers, but I was at a theater the other night and was saddened when I looked down the hall and saw six posters for upcoming and now showing movies and realized that five of the six were either sequels or remakes... And the remakes aren't even of good movies... 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory', 'Herbie the Lovebug' and 'The Longest Yard'... give me a break.

I pointed this out to my brother and he just grunted.

Then I somewhat hopefully said, "At least there's Star Wars."

"Um, that's a sequel too..." he said.

My hopes and dreams of a good movie summer exploded like the first Death Star...